listen, actually, It's My First Time. 87 Days Until My First Time With a Loose-Ish, Innocent Girlfriend V1 - Ch 7

 Chapter 7: Rumors and Doubts

[Kaburagi Hayato's July 8th]

 

The final exams have safely ended.

Not all the answer sheets have been returned yet, but I feel more confident than ever before. I am convinced I've avoided mandatory supplementary lessons, and I was already getting excited about the upcoming summer vacation.

Hiyori-chan, who seems to feel as confident as I do, is in a cheerful mood. She was excitedly entering plans into her schedule app while looking at her smartphone in a fast-food restaurant.

"Let's definitely go to the fireworks festival in Yokohama together!"

"Yeah, let's go. Hiyori-chan, are you interested in camping? If you are, we could do a day trip somewhere close. I went with friends last year, and it was super fun even though I'm a beginner. I'd love to go with you."

"Really?! That sounds fun, let's go! Oh, camping is good, but I was also interested in glamping! How about we invite Mori-kun and Saki, and go together?"

"That sounds great! But, Hiyori-chan, would your parents allow you to stay overnight with boys?"

"I think it's okay with my mom and dad. ...But... before we go glamping, I'd like you to come over to my house once. ...I... I want to introduce you, you know."

So, it's a greeting to her parents. It's nerve-wracking, but for me, who plans to date Hiyori-chan seriously for a long time, it's an event I should get over with sooner rather than later.

"Got it. I'll adjust my schedule, so ask your parents when it's okay for me to come over."

"Yeah, thanks. Ah, I'm looking forward to it. Not just with you, Hayato-kun, but next year might be all about entrance exams so no summer vacation, I want to go to lots of places with lots of friends. It's summer vacation after all, so the beach or pool, huh? I'm going shopping for a new swimsuit with Saki."

Hiyori-chan, with her likable personality, has many friends. So it seems she has lots of people she wants to hang out with besides me during the summer vacation.

"Yeah. But... I don't really want other guys to see Hiyori-chan in a swimsuit, and I'm worried about her getting picked up, so how about we only go to the beach or pool when we're together?"

I waited nervously for her reply, worrying she might think, "You're being petty despite being a playboy." But Hiyori-chan just smiled happily.

"Okay, I'll only wear a swimsuit on dates with Hayato-kun!"

It seems she accepted my selfishness gladly, so I was relieved.

"Thanks. Sorry, I'm just going to the restroom."

When I returned after stepping away for a moment, Hiyori-chan was being approached by two guys. From the looks of it, they were probably trying to pick her up.

I was worried she was feeling uncomfortable and hurried back, but as I got closer, I could hear that Hiyori-chan was chatting quite amiably with the guys, which was somewhat disappointing.

Given her personality, it might be hard for her to be cold or distant to people for no reason. But... even though I try not to care about the rumors, seeing Hiyori-chan casually talking with unknown guys doesn't feel good.

"Hey, do you have some business with my girlfriend?"

When I spoke up, the two guys exchanged looks and left with a smirking "Nothing really?" It was unpleasant, but better than them persisting.

"Hiyori-chan, are you okay? Sorry for leaving you alone."

I sat back in the chair across from her, asserting my presence to keep other guys from approaching.

"Hehe, Hayato-kun, you're too overprotective. I'm fine, it was just a pickup attempt. But even after I told them I had a boyfriend, they were pretty persistent. Did I look like the type to follow a guy if he's persistent?"

"No way. It's because Hiyori-chan is cute."

I didn't say that she might mislead people by happily talking to them.

Her bright and friendly nature with everyone is one of Hiyori-chan's strengths and one of the things I like about her. I didn't want her to think I was criticizing her personality by saying that.

"Thanks. But... actually, something similar happened the other day. I was invited to hang out by someone from another class at school, but I turned them down because I'm dating Hayato-kun. Then they said, 'What does having a boyfriend have to do with it? It's fine if it's fun.' ...I guess people still see me as an easy girl. That was pretty shocking."

It's been about three months since Hiyori-chan and I started dating.

Despite both of us maintaining a chaste relationship without any cheating, the dishonorable rumors about us being a playboy and a playgirl never disappeared.

"No, it's not like that. Hiyori-chan really, really likes me, and I know that better than anyone."

I wanted to reassure Hiyori-chan, but those awkward words made me want to squirm, yet seeing her expression soften, I was glad I spoke up.

"Exactly. I love Hayato-kun so much. So... even if I talk to other guys, you don't have to worry; I won't let anyone but Hayato-kun touch me."

Seeing Hiyori-chan say that with a slight blush and a smile, the anxiety in my heart was cleansed.

"Yeah. I always trust you, Hiyori-chan. I can't wait for summer vacation."

After our eyes met, Hiyori-chan cupped her cheek with her hand.

"Hey, Hayato-kun, what should we do... I'm just so excited for summer vacation!"

Seeing her bursting with joy, I nodded broadly, my eyes crinkling with a smile.

The sweet and sour, pure emotion of love cannot hide the presence of lust, nor am I ashamed of it. During the summer vacation, we'll definitely get closer, and I think there will be physical expressions of our feelings.

That natural moment to come is probably soon.

 

──── 15 days left until the first time we do it. ────

 

[Kaburagi Hayato's July 10^th]

 

Next month, on August 10th, it's Hiyori-chan's birthday.

She's usually celebrated grandly by her friends every year, but this year, she's keeping her schedule open, waiting for my invitation, Saki-san told me secretly.

But, I think there's a kind, little lie in what Saki-san said.

Hiyori-chan must have had a boyfriend by her side on her past birthdays. Whether she went out with her boyfriend after being celebrated by friends or spent the whole day with him, I don't know, but there's the fear of being compared to past boyfriends.

However, as Hiyori-chan's boyfriend, I shouldn't be intimidated by something like this.

There should be no superiority or inferiority in wanting to celebrate her seventeenth birthday grandly.

For now, I want to prepare a gift early. Maybe on the day, surprise her with a cake at some restaurant? Or decorate my room for a birthday party and celebrate just the two of us.

These are ideas I've thought of based on what I've learned from friends and the internet, but I'll do my best to come up with a plan before the day. I want to see Hiyori-chan's happy face.

My phone vibrated. When I opened the app, I saw a stamp of a crying camel and a message from Hiyori-chan.

[I'm bored~]

I had already declined any invitations from her today because I decided to look for her gift. Remembering Hiyori-chan's pouting face when I told her we couldn't go on a date made me feel guilty.

[This is studying! It's how you use your time meaningfully!]

[I'm not motivated right after the tests. Hey, how about making some sweets for the first time in a while? Hayato-kun, is there anything you want to eat?]

[You're going to make something? If anything's okay, I'd like pudding.]

[Pudding is fine? I could do something more difficult?]

[I love pudding. I'm looking forward to you making it.]

[If you say that, it gets me motivated! Alright, I'll go get the ingredients with enthusiasm! I'll capture Hayato-kun's stomach and make him fall for me all over again!]

Laughing at the typo suggesting we're going to hunt cows, I replied, [I'm already smitten], before heading out.

I took the train to Shibuya. It's July, and the city surrounded by concrete is extremely hot; the violent sunlight couldn't be blocked by the cap I was wearing. Finally feeling alive after entering a commercial facility with strong air conditioning, I hydrated a bit at a coffee shop, waited for the sweat to dry, and then started browsing the shops.

How about clothes for a present? ...No, let's not. Hiyori-chan is stylish, and if I choose something uncool, it would be embarrassing. For the same reason, shoes are also out. ...Oh, I remember Mori Masahito saying, "There's a jinx that giving shoes to a girl leads to a breakup." I don't really believe in superstitions, but since it's the first gift while dating, I should be cautious.

Then, how about a ring! ...No, that's too heavy right from the start... I don't even know Hiyori-chan's ring size.

...Has she ever received a ring from a previous boyfriend?

I rubbed my forehead in solitude. At this moment, the fog in my chest started to form again.

Since witnessing her getting hit on at the fast-food restaurant, I've been feeling anxious about things I hadn't cared about before.

Hiyori-chan is an experienced girl, right? She might have received a ring once or twice, so I shouldn't overthink it. As a playboy dating such a girl, I need to be cool about this.

Trying to regain my composure by taking deep breaths, I caught sight of a girl who looked a lot like Hiyori-chan in the corner of my eye. I couldn't believe she'd be in such a central area when she said she was making sweets at home; maybe it's a hallucination from overthinking about her.

Mocking myself, I decided to check just in case – and froze.

There, in a slightly distant general store, was definitely Hiyori-chan. She was in a more boyish outfit than when we went on dates, with a large shirt and shorts, but her cuteness was unmistakable.

However, she was with a guy.

The guy was probably older. From his vibe, perhaps a university student, or maybe a hairdresser or model. His hair was dyed ash gray, with a large hoop earring in his left ear. He was tall and slender, and though not overly fashionable, he looked good in a simple shirt and jeans.

And his face was undeniably handsome. Though his lower face was hidden by a black mask, his clear, large double-lidded eyes must captivate anyone, especially girls.

Hiyori-chan and the guy were looking at products together, very friendly. Sometimes, the guy would tease or try to get close, and Hiyori-chan would lightly brush him off. But it didn't seem like she was genuinely annoyed, more like it was part of their friendly interaction.

Trying to calm my anxious heart, I forced my brain, which was about to stop, to work.

That's right. I have lots of female friends too, and I exchange messages with them. Hiyori-chan, being part of a popular group with many friends regardless of gender, probably interacts with male friends both in and out of school. Maybe they're not on a date; they might have just coincidentally met here.

...But would she come all the way to Shibuya just to buy pudding ingredients? Is it really just a coincidental meeting with an acquaintance?

--I shouldn't. My thoughts are drifting towards negativity again.

I should trust Hiyori-chan. I genuinely feel her affection towards me, and I can't believe her smile directed at me is fake.

Just as I was about to switch my mindset, I opened my eyes wide.

I realized that the shoulder bags Hiyori-chan and the guy were carrying were matching, from the same brand, differing only in design and color.

Did he give her that bag as a gift? Such a high-end brand bag is out of reach for a high school student like me, even with my part-time job.

Feeling inferior but unable to take my eyes off them, the guy touched Hiyori-chan's hair. She seemed to be saying something but didn't push his hand away.

"I love Hayato-kun so much. So... even if I talk to other guys, you don't have to worry; I won't let anyone but Hayato-kun touch me."

I remembered those words from her voice the other day.

In the corner of my shocked mind, that rumor flashed by.

--Rumors say that Nakamura Hiyori gives herself to any guy she doesn't dislike.

From the day of the high school entrance exam, when I fell for her, I've been watching Hiyori-chan, always thinking about her.

Asking myself, from the perspective of both a one-sided lover and her boyfriend, is Hiyori-chan the type to cheat?

No. Absolutely not!

But despite wanting to believe that, my lack of confidence quickly clouded my thoughts with anxiety again.

If being careful and gentle backfired because it wasn't stimulating enough?

If my being a virgin led to her dissatisfaction, resulting in this current relationship with that guy?

Clenching my fists tightly, I thought, "What am I doing? This is lame."

I felt pathetic for being swayed by such a baseless rumor that insults her.

The complex from being a virgin, which I've been covering up with bravado, is pathetic.

If I had this feeling, I should have had the courage to ask Hiyori-chan about that rumor directly. If I had heard her deny it from her own mouth, I might have viewed the current situation differently. It's my fault.

Now, I'm in no mood to look for presents. Unable to shake off the negative feelings swirling in my chest, I pulled my cap down deeply and retreated from the store and the commercial facility, heading home.

 

──── 13 days left until the first time we do it? ────

 

[Kaburagi Hayato's July 11^th]

 

The next day, I tried to act normally in front of everyone at school, including Hiyori-chan. Or at least, I thought I was.

After school, while walking home together, she timidly asked me,

"...Are you mad today, Hayato-kun? Did I do something?"

"Eh... No, you didn't do anything. I'm not mad... Why do you ask?"

"Because you seem colder than usual..."

It seems my anxiety was showing through my behavior. That's no good. There's no evidence Hiyori-chan is cheating, and it was wrong of me to make her worry.

But holding it in my chest would still make it hard to act normal. If she has nothing to hide, she'd talk about it honestly, so I decided to ask directly.

"...Hiyori-chan, were you at home all day yesterday?"

"Eh? Yeah. I only went out to do some shopping, then I was focused on making pudding. It's cooling in the fridge right now, so I'll give it to you later as thanks for walking me home. I think it turned out pretty well! The caramel sauce is—"

I couldn't take in Hiyori-chan's words after that.

Why did she change the subject so quickly? ...Because she has something to hide?

"Oh, right, speaking of pudding, have you ever had the premium pudding from Hokkaido? It's made with the best milk, and it sells out instantly online, so it's super hard to get. It might be tough during this summer vacation, but I'd love for us to go on a trip to Hokkaido someday."

...No, calm down, Hayato. Concentrate on our conversation.

"That sounds great. I want to eat lots of delicious things like seafood and Genghis Khan. Oh, right after summer vacation starts, I'm going on a one-night, two-day trip to Hakone with Masahio, Masahito, and the guys."

"Wow, nice, a trip! Just guys?"

"Yeah. Four guys on an impromptu journey."

"Sounds fun! But you can't cheat even if there are cute girls around, okay?"

"No way. ...I'll bring back some souvenirs. Maybe some matching keychains?"

I couldn't concentrate. The image of Hiyori-chan with that matching brand bag with another guy wouldn't leave my head.

Hiyori-chan wouldn't notice the jealousy I couldn't fully hide, even in jest,

"Anything you bring back will make me happy. But, I'll be lonely while you're away on your trip. Maybe I'll go out and have some fun, too?"

Even though it was just an offhand remark from her, it shook my heart greatly.

--Who will she hang out with? That guy again?

The feeling that was too pathetic to voice, a mixture of frustration, sadness, and anger, was not something I could resolve within myself.

I wanted to hold back the words that would hurt her once they slipped out, but before I knew it, I had deliberately thrown them at her.

"...Why don't you go out with other guys during the summer vacation? I'm sure you won't be satisfied with just me."

I felt the atmosphere between us change color.

When I came to my senses and looked at Hiyori-chan, her expression, which had been shocked and dazed at first, was quickly turning into one on the verge of tears.

"Eh... What's wrong? Why... why would you say that? The only one I like is you, Hayato-kun! I have no plans to hang out with any other guys."

"...Hiyori-chan has a lot of friends, so you don't have to force yourself."

"I'm not forcing myself! ...Did I do something wrong, maybe? I don't know. Please tell me, Hayato-kun..."

By the end, her voice was tearful. Listening to her pained voice, my eyes began to well up with heat.

I'm not the only one who wants to cry. I, who saw my girlfriend in such a situation, truly want to cry and confront her about it.

But I couldn't just let out all my feelings like that.

I am Kaburagi Hayato. Even if it's not true, I'm known as a playboy.

That guy wouldn't disgracefully expose his emotions or cling to one girl. If I did that, Hiyori-chan, who fell for "Kaburagi Hayato," might be disillusioned.

Choosing to maintain my pride even now, I already knew what I was going to say next.

I adjusted my breathing, being very careful not to let my voice tremble, and looked directly at her teary eyes before saying:

"Sorry. How about we take some time apart? I need to cool my head."

Hiyori-chan looked like she wanted to say something, but in the end, without shedding big tears or resisting, she quietly nodded and accepted my suggestion.

This too made it feel like, in her mind, I was just one of her many ex-boyfriends, which pained my heart.

 

[Nakamura Hiyori's July 11^th]

 

I don't remember how I got home after parting ways with Hayato-kun.

When my mom returned home and spoke to me after sunset, I finally realized I had collapsed in my room. "I'm fine, just tired," I forced a smile, sending her out of my room to be alone again. I was grateful for the considerate kindness of a mother with a teenage daughter, not probing too deeply.

But being alone, all I could do was shed tears as I remembered Hayato-kun's tense expression, his usually lower voice, and the words he said to me.

Why did it turn out like this?

Since starting to date Hayato-kun, every day was so exciting that I couldn't wait to go to school.

Thinking about meeting him made me long for the morning sun. At night, I meticulously took care of my skin and hair to look beautiful for him, and I even did muscle training to maintain my figure.

No, it wasn't just that. I didn't want anyone to say my grades fell because of dating Hayato-kun, so I studied harder than ever for the final exams. It's a cliché, but I thought the power of love was incredible.

Yet now, I'm in a state of lethargy where I can't even move my hands or feet.

Was it the talk about pudding that bothered him?

Was asking if he was angry annoying?

Did warning him not to cheat if there were cute girls around irritate him?

Or was it because I said, "I might go out and have some fun while you're away on your trip"?

Maybe saying I'd be lonely while he's on a trip with his friends was too much. And that statement about going out might have seemed like I was declaring I'd have fun while he's not around, which might have upset him.

...No, that's not it. Hayato-kun has been different since this morning.

Come to think of it, he didn't reply to my messages last night. This morning, he said, "I fell asleep, sorry," but maybe he was already upset with me since yesterday.

...I'm disgusted with my own thoughtlessness. The attitude Hayato-kun showed, despite his kindness, probably wasn't just a problem from yesterday or today.

It must have been the culmination of the dissatisfaction he's been accumulating towards me.

Hayato-kun didn't say anything to blame me.

But it was my fault for making him say such things.

"...Why don't you go out with other guys during the summer vacation? I'm sure you won't be satisfied with just me."

I tried to think hard with my barely functioning brain.

Saying "other guys" so explicitly... Maybe Hayato-kun was actually mad about me talking happily with that guy when I got hit on the other day?

I'm bad at ignoring people when they talk to me... but I feel like Hayato-kun wouldn't mind if it's just talking to other guys.

--Wait. Maybe him saying I wouldn't be satisfied was a roundabout way of telling me he's not satisfied with me.

There's a possibility. Despite the rumors of me being promiscuous, I couldn't meet Hayato-kun's expectations.

I blushed a lot at his actions, and I often said silly things due to nervousness. From Hayato-kun's perspective, who's used to girls, he might have thought, "She's kind of a hassle."

My phone vibrated, signaling a call. I didn't have the energy to answer, but when I saw the name displayed, my hand reached out unconsciously.

"...Saki... what should I do...?"

"Eh, are you crying? What happened!? What's wrong!?"

I explained the day's events and my thoughts while crying.

Saki listened quietly, giving occasional responses.

"When we went to the love hotel, I suddenly got scared and rejected having sex with Hayato-kun, remember? He didn't force me then, and he's always treated me kindly since, but... I didn't realize it, and I was just taking advantage of his kindness, and maybe his dissatisfaction has been building up..."

"Umm... I can't deny that."

"If I had just told him I was a virgin, things might have been different...! I had so many opportunities to be honest about it being my first time not just with sex but with dating a boy..."

"...But you didn't, did you? No point in regretting it now. Let's think about what's next. It's okay. You haven't broken up yet, right?"

I couldn't do it because being with Hayato-kun was fun, and I didn't want to lose the title of being his girlfriend.

I was scared of being rejected once he found out I was a virgin. I was afraid of being dumped.

"...But... I can't confess now that I was a virgin...!"

If this is the price for all the pride I've been holding onto, maybe I have no choice but to accept it.

A single tear rolled down my cheek. I couldn't even move my fingers to wipe it away.

Hayato-kun is kind. Hayato-kun is cool. There are countless girls at school who like him, so there must be even more in the world.

Chiharu-senpai from her part-time job, her childhood friend Shino-chan, they probably like him romantically too. Even if they don't realize it now, they'll eventually have feelings they can't suppress. If a charming girl confessed to him, even Hayato-kun might be moved.

Would someone else be by his side when that happens?

I want to scream that I absolutely hate it, but I also think that someone more suitable than a liar like me would look better with Hayato-kun.

"Calm down, Hiyori. Hayato isn't the type to judge a girl based on her body or experience, right?"

"...Yeah... I really think Hayato-kun is an amazing person."

But I lack confidence in myself. Because I think there might be someone more fitting for Hayato-kun, I couldn't cling to him when he suggested we take some time apart; instead, I stepped back.

"I don't want to give up on Hayato-kun. If I could be selfish, I'd want to be by his side forever. But..."

I've been too reliant on his kindness, and maybe as someone who's been all about pride, I might no longer be qualified to be his girlfriend.

 

[Kaburagi Hayato's July 14^th]

 

With summer vacation starting next week, most students at Hareoka High School are already in vacation mode. Especially my friends, with Masahiro and Masahito leading the charge, are all excited.

If I were the only one with a gloomy face, I might ruin the good atmosphere we have. So, I want to laugh with everyone and engage in smooth communication, but...

"Hey, come to think of it, I haven't seen Nakamura around yesterday or today?"

"I was thinking the same. Did you break up?"

These inquiries from Atsushi and Kengo, more out of innocent curiosity than probing, struck a sharp punch into the unhealed wound in my chest. Hiyori-chan often visited my class, and we always went home together, so there's no way my friends wouldn't notice.

"No... we're just taking some time apart. We haven't broken up."

I hadn't intended to hide our current situation; I just didn't think I needed to talk about it myself. So, when my friends asked, I answered straightforwardly without deception or lies.

"Really? It's such a waste to be single right before summer vacation."

"Well, Hayato can find girls anywhere."

I knew this was their way of consoling me, so I laughed it off with a "Shut up, leave me alone." Only Masahiro, who understood how much I liked Hiyori-chan, spoke to me with concern.

"You're really taking time apart from Nakamu? You okay, Hayato?"

"Yeah, sorry for worrying you. I just want to cool off a bit."

I didn't want to break up with her; I just needed some time to calm down enough to face Hiyori-chan without my usual bravado.

It might be selfish, but if my insecurities are hurting her, I wanted to figure out how to interact with her without resorting to pride by taking a little distance to reflect on my actions.

"I see... But, you and Nakamu are way more famous than you guys think, so keep that in mind."

When he said that, honestly, I didn't fully understand what Masahiro meant.

But soon after, I would feel the weight of his words.

The very next day after I mentioned we were taking time apart, rumors about us were all over the school.

"Kaburagi and Nakamura broke up."

"Bet Hayato got bored and cheated."

"It seems like Hiyori Nakamura was two-timing."

"They were just friends with benefits from the start, right?"

"Three months? For a playboy and playgirl couple, that's pretty long."

All of it was baseless, just rumors without any foundation.

Disgusting stories that were casually heard, and I was often directly questioned out of curiosity. That means Hiyori-chan must be hearing these rumors too, and she might be suffering from the same rude questioning I am.

Why? I'm just a regular high school student, not some celebrity.

Yet why do these baseless rumors and speculations spread and entertain people?

Why am I subjected to such unfounded talk based merely on my appearance and the friends I hang out with?

I felt an anger I've never experienced before.

What exactly are rumors?

They make you put up a front, force you to pretend, throw you around, and hurt you - it's all so ridiculous.

 

[Kaburagi Hayato's July 19^th]

 

After school, I was chatting idly with my friends at a family restaurant while planning for summer vacation.

"Reina, your nails are so cute! I might want to get some summery ones too."

"Nails, huh... From a guy's perspective, they're not really appealing. How can you cook with those nails? Hayato, are you pro-nails?"

"I don't really care either way. Besides, girls with nails aren't doing it for guys, right? They just want to feel good about themselves, don't they?"

"Exactly! They're doing it for themselves, so there's no reason for complaints! Hayato really gets how girls feel!"

Reina, who was sitting next to me, happily clung to my arm.

Since I turned down her confession in April and started dating Hiyori-chan, we've been interacting normally as friends, but lately, I feel like she's been touching me more.

"Anyway, why is Atsushi talking like someone's going to cook for him? No one's going to serve you homemade food!"

"Haha!? Shut up! Make it! Please make it! Marry me!"

"That proposal is the worst! Too sloppy!"

I was watching my friends laughing over trivial matters with a somewhat distant look.

Normally, I'd be in the middle of it, saying something and laughing along.

But now, all I could manage was a dry smile.

"Hayato, you still seem down. Are you still hung up on breaking up with Nakamura?"

I told them we didn't break up, but the rumors kept spreading, and somehow it became a fact that we had. I had explained it to them directly, but the rapid spread of new rumors had overwritten the facts.

I wasn't blaming them; I was just overwhelmed by the sheer power of rumors.

"There's this girl from another school, a year younger. Want me to introduce you? She was in the basketball club when we were in middle school, and she was totally into you after seeing your photo."

So, I tried to say we didn't break up, but the conversation just moved forward.

"Then let's have her gather some friends for a group date! I was thinking of getting a girlfriend for the summer too!"

"Sounds good! Hey, tell us your schedule, Hayato. Do you work every Saturday?"

"Thanks, but I'm not interested in girls right now." I could have just said that in one sentence like I usually would.

But something inside me snapped.

"...Don't try to connect everything to girls. Do you think I'd be happy with just any girl?"

Why couldn't I do what I usually do?

I knew they were trying to cheer me up by acting cheerful, yet my heart seemed to give up on maintaining the facade of Kaburagi Hayato.

It was a defensive mechanism to protect my heart, but I instantly paled at the thought of trampling on my friends' kindness with my harsh words.

"Sorry... I said too much."

"Oh... no, we're sorry. We didn't think you were still that hung up on Nakamura."

"...But yeah, you two seemed really close. Hayato, you looked like you really loved her. Sorry for not taking your feelings seriously."

Seeing my friends apologize with such sincerity made my guilt intensify.

I had thrown heartless words at these caring friends. It was practically venting.

"...I'll head home first. Sorry for ruining the mood."

Ignoring my friends who were worried about me leaving early, I walked out of the restaurant alone.

If I could, I'd want to redo everything from the entrance ceremony of high school.

If I hadn't tried to change myself and stayed the plain Kaburagi Hayato from middle school, I wouldn't have felt this way.

But if I had, Hiyori-chan wouldn't have chosen me. Now that I've touched her, I can't bear the thought of that.

Unable even to escape from reality, I was starting to hate everything.

 

[Kaburagi Hayato's July 21^st]

 

The closing ceremony ended without me seeing Hiyori-chan.

"Hayato, I need to talk to you. Can we go somewhere?"

Reina was waiting for me at the school entrance.

"If it's before my part-time job starts, sure. Can we talk while walking?"

"...You've changed, Hayato. Before, even if you had plans, you'd prioritize me if you looked serious."

Reina's lips curled with sarcasm, but her eyes looked lonely.

"...I haven't changed. I've just started prioritizing things. Right now, Hiyori-chan is the most important to me."

We started walking towards the school gate, resuming our conversation.

"...Even though you said you were taking a break, you still like her? Hmm... this is getting complicated."

It seems that being sincere to one girl equates to neglecting others. Reina, who was always emotional, seemed to have had some switch flipped by my recent actions, clearly becoming annoyed.

"Hayato, do you remember when I confessed to you in April?"

"Of course, I remember. It was during lunch in the cafeteria, right? That was surprising."

My response made Reina's face light up as she happily placed her hand on her chest.

"That's good. I thought you might have forgotten, considering how often you get confessed to. I thought you might have forgotten like, 'What did I eat for dinner three months ago?'"

"No way, I remember clearly."

It's especially so for someone like Reina, who's been a good friend for a long time.

My friends, including Masahiro and Masahito, often say that after turning down or breaking up with a girl, you usually become distant. But for me, I mostly stay friends with the girls who confessed to me even after turning them down.

Masahiro had said about my choices, "I don't know if it's kindness or cruelty." I hadn't fully understood what he meant until now, but I was about to learn it through my own experience.

Reina stopped walking in front of a quiet, run-down little park right after we turned the corner from the school gate.

Even with my poor intuition, I could tell from Reina's determined expression and the quiet atmosphere of the deserted place what she was about to say.

"I like that about you, Hayato... Even now. I've liked you since you turned me down. Hey, can't I be the one? I love you so much, Hayato. I won't cheat, and I'll do everything for you."

Reina took a deep breath, looking at me with a more serious face than the last time, almost as if she was bracing herself for something.

"So... please go out with me. Please."

The intensity of her determination and the tension of possibly crying were almost painful to feel.

Ah, I see. Thanks to Reina's courage, I realized how much pain girls go through when they can't give up on me, which made me feel a deep sense of guilt.

Girls get hurt by me time and time again.

It's no different from slowly strangling them with a silk thread.

"...I'm sorry. I have a girlfriend, so I can't date you, Reina."

I'm sorry for not being able to return your feelings. I'm sorry for leading you on. With all these apologies in one word, I bowed deeply.

"...Why?"

She grabbed the front of my shirt with both hands. Reina's voice trembled, and tears were welling up in her eyes.

"Why can't it be me? You've dated so many girls, right? You could at least give me a try once!"

Hearing her desperate words, I wanted to calm her down.

But I couldn't hug her to soothe her. I thought I shouldn't give her any more hope.

If playboys in my situation would typically hug, kiss, or even go further, I wouldn't put up that kind of facade anymore. It's ridiculous to hurt girls with such meaningless pride.

"Look at me, Reina."

I gently held her shoulders, speaking to her as she turned her face away in frustration.

"I want you to believe in what you've seen with your own eyes and judge me with your own heart."

The moment I said it, I was startled by my own words.

Wasn't it me who was deceived and swayed by the rumors about Hiyori-chan, unable to see her true self?

I, who had to put up a front because of baseless rumors, was the one who needed to empathize the most with Hiyori-chan's feelings, hurt by those same rumors.

The girl who blushes, gets flustered, and smiles at my words is definitely not the kind of girl everyone thinks she is. Absolutely not.

"...I see. That makes sense."

Thanks to Reina, I realized something important, and after silently thanking her in my heart, I asked her to confirm my newfound conviction.

"...Do you think I'm the kind of guy the rumors say I am?"

I've been hiding the fact that I'm a virgin, living with pride without denying the rumors.

But no matter how much I acted that way, I am indeed a genuine virgin who has never slept with a girl.

Then, I should reveal the real Kaburagi Hayato, unadorned by rumors.

I'll confess to Hiyori-chan again, as my true self, without pride or pretense.

If there's a relationship that can only start by showing your true self, then the time to act is now.

Finally, Reina met my gaze, looked at me for a while, then shook her head with a slight smile.

"...No. Hayato... you've always been sincere to me."

Having learned something vital, I made a firm decision.

 

☆

 

That night, I sent a message to Hiyori-chan.

The truly important things can only be judged by what you see with your own eyes, and can only be understood by being seen.

So I wanted to see her. I wanted to talk to her, looking into her eyes.

Even if I didn't know how things would turn out.

 

 

──── 2 days left until the first time we do it? ────